Troll Luv
by Obi the Kid
Summary: Pre-TPM. Obi and Qui must attend a wedding. co-written by BL Anderson


TITLE: Troll Luv  
AUTHORS: BL (anderson@hiwaay.net) and Obi the Kid (hlnkid@aol.com)  
RATING: PG (read at your own risk...this is very weird) SUMMARY: A wedding. Pre-TPM  
FEEDBACK: Sure!  
ARCHIVE: Sorry, only on my site and on Telly's site. DISCLAIMER: There is no money made here. Obi, Qui, etc...belong to Lucas.   
The character of Poof, in case you don't know, is the Council member with the LONG neck who sits behind Qui in that one scene of TPM.   
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TROLL LUV  
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"But master, why do we have to attend? Dagobah is so far away, and...well... it's a swamp. Can't we call in sick or something?" Obi-Wan Kenobi was desperate to get out of going to what was being called 'The Wedding of the Trolls.' His whining was for naught.   
"Padawan, Yoda was my master. It is out of respect that we be there to stand by him. If I were to get married, would you not be happy for me and be there?"   
The apprentice hung his head at Qui-Gon's words. "I didn't think about it that way master. You are right. I will go. Do I have to dress up though?"   
Jinn looked at the boy, wondering how he had made it this far in his life without someone knocking him out. "Yes Obi-Wan. It is a wedding. You cannot look as if you just worked out in the gym."   
"But...it's in a SWAMP!"   
Grabbing the younger Jedi by the braid, he directed him into the 'fresher. "Get cleaned up, and dressed. We leave in an hour."   
--------------------   
Obi-Wan walked slowly into the common area, head down and grumbling. Going to a troll wedding was bad enough. Going in a swamp was worse. He straightened his robe while he grumbled.   
"What's that you're saying Padawan?"   
"Oh...nothing Master. I'm showered and dressed. I'll go pack now."   
"That's all right. I did it for you. I wanted to make sure you took something decent for the wedding. You'd go in your workout clothes."   
"But Master! It's in a swamp! My dress tunic will get messed up...and then I'll have to scrub it. I bet all the stains won't come out either."   
"Obi-Wan," Qui-Gon said sternly. "You are making me angry and you are not showing the proper respect for Jedi masters. I've tried to be nice and understanding about this but you will not be. Therefore, I am telling you, as a Jedi padawan, you will go and you will behave as a Jedi padawan properly should...right?"   
"Master..."   
"Right?"   
"Yes Master."   
"Good. Now grab your things and let's board the transport that is taking the rest of the council."   
"We have to ride with..." He stopped when he saw the look in his master's eye. "Yes Master."   
-------------------   
They boarded the transport for Dagobah. Obi-Wan somehow got stuck between his master and Council Member Poof. *Don't look at him. Don't look. If you look, you laugh.*   
"Don't look at who padawan?" The boy had not properly shielded his thoughts, and Qui-Gon had picked up on them.   
"Oh nothing master. Just trying to focus my thoughts." He directed his attention to his hands that lay in his lap.   
"Just sit back and enjoy the trip." Qui-Gon stole a sideward glance and the Jedi Master seated next to his apprentice. *Is he mocking me? No. He's a member of the Council. But, why is his head waving around like that?*   
Two days into the trip, Obi-Wan had become deathly afraid of Mr. Poof. The young Jedi was insistent that the being was after him. Poof's only response was to look at the student and form one word with his mouth. "BOO."   
"Master....I don't like him. Make him go away." Obi-Wan was practically climbing into Qui-Gon's lap each time Poof repeated that one word. Unable to do anything else, the boy tried to find his center. *Just one more day and we will be off this flight. I can do this. NO! Get away from me. Go! Shoo!*   
"BOO!"   
--------------------   
On the last day of the flight Obi-Wan was trying not to pay attention to the odd councilor but he in his paranoia, he also found it hard not to watch him out of the corner of his eye. *His head looks like it's filled with helium. It bobs back and forth just like a balLOON. Look at it...slowly back and forth. I'll bet if you took a pin and pricked his head it would go...*   
"Obi-Wan..."   
"POOF!" the surprised boy yelled out. He had been so deep in thought that he was startled when his mentor spoke.   
The councilor thought the padawan was talking to him. He turned his bobbing head. "Boo! Yes, did you want something?"   
"Uh...uh...no...I was just..."   
Qui-Gon pulled him aside. "What are you doing? Mocking one of the council members?"   
"No Master. I was just..." He slapped a hand to his head. How could he explain? His master would think he was crazy or insolent. "May I go lie down? I have a headache."   
"Yes. I think that would be a good idea."   
The apprentice fell into a fitful sleep filled with balloons, floating heads which popped. He was grateful when his master woke him to tell him they had landed. The boy bounded out of the ship.   
"I thought you weren't interested in coming to a swamp," Qui-Gon teased.   
"After that flight, anything would be good," the boy said in relief to be away from the odd being.   
---------------   
As the group wandered onto the swampy surface of the planet, Obi-Wan immediately began making squishing sounds with his mouth. Mimicking the sounds that the boots of the Jedi were making as they trounced through the mud. After twenty minutes of this, Qui-Gon had had enough. "Obi-Wan, please! Sound effects are not necessary."   
"Sorry master. Just trying to entertain myself. Why am I the only padawan here? I feel so out of place. No one my age."   
"Are you going to be this annoying for the entire ten days we are here?"   
Obi-Wan's eyes went huge. "WHAT? Ten days? I thought...but...TEN DAYS?"   
Grabbing his apprentice by the shoulder, Qui-Gon spoke firmly. "Quiet down. I believe the council is against me being here anyway, I don't need your little attitude. Did you see Mr. Poof acting strangely toward me on the flight?"   
"Uh...um...don't make me go there. That man scares me master. Please don't let him get near me. That head just...floats there. Can I pop it?"   
"OBI-WAN!!!! NO!!! You cannot pop Mr. Poof's head. Now stop it." He led the boy a few feet away from the group so they could walk the remaining distance without fear of being overheard. "Listen Obi-Wan. Once we enter these caves, you have to be very careful of what you say. Voices echo in there, and one can overhear EVERYTHING you say. Understand?"   
Obi-Wan nodded quickly. "Please stay next to me master. I don't want to look at Mr. Poof's head anymore. Gonna chop it off that extendo neck of his if he keeps starring at me like that."   
----------------------   
"Obi-Wan! Your disrespect for a councilor is appalling! We will speak of this when we get back to Coruscant. For now...you WILL behave as a Jedi padawan should. Won't you?"   
The look in those dark eyes told Obi-Wan he'd better at least try to do better. "Yes Master. I will behave as a Jedi should."   
"Good. Now...this way. The others are leaving us behind."   
Obi-Wan looked around as he walked. He stepped into a piece of ground that was even more mushy than the rest and his foot sank almost to his knee.   
"Ewwww! Yuck!" He was fighting to free his foot from the mire when suddenly a large dark shape flew by his head. "AH! What was that!"   
Qui-Gon came running at the cry. "What's wrong!"   
"Something's after me!" The boy had his head covered with one arm and was swiping at empty air with the other."   
"Padawan, it's just one of the native creatures." He pointed to something perched in a nearby skeleton of a tree.   
"That is ugly. Long black wings...and look at his face. It looks like...a troll face. Like Master Yoda's face!"   
"Sh! Obi-Wan. What did I tell you earlier?"   
"I know...but look Master." He pointed, forgetting about his foot still stuck in the mud. "It looks like a little winged Yoda."   
The elder Jedi saw he was getting nowhere so he grabbed Obi-Wan around the waist, hauled him out of the mire and began walking with the boy under his arm.   
"Just look Master. You won't even look. Just one look."   
-----------------   
"Shut up Obi-Wan!"   
"But...look..."   
"One more word out of you, and you will be spending the rest of your life with your little winged friends. Enough."   
Obi-Wan knew that tone, and quickly shut his mouth. Qui-Gon put him down and they walked the remaining 300 yards into the troll's dwelling. Seeing the area for the first time in many years, Qui-Gon had forgotten how awkward this was for someone of his height.   
"Master, can you fit in there?"   
"It's not easy, but I can manage. Watch your head padawan."   
Obi-Wan was walking towards the dwelling, keeping his eyes on Mr. Poof the whole time. "You know, if Poof can't bend over enough to get his head under the roof of the door, I can whack it off for him. I really don't mind."   
Grabbing the students braid, Qui-Gon bent down to look him in the eye. "What did I tell you? You cannot chop his head off."   
"You're no fun anymore. I like the old Qui-Gon Jinn. Where is he?"   
Just then, a familiar voice sounded. "Welcome you are. Enter and share mush with me you will."   
Obi-Wan perked up. "Mush?"   
"Not that kind of mush padawan. I can assure you that you will not enjoy this form of mush.   
----------------   
"Do I really have to eat...this?" Obi-Wan frowned as he watched the thick goo move on the upside down spoon but it never fell back into the bowl. Qui-Gon elbowed the youth. "Oof! Master!"   
"What say you?" Yoda asked the boy.   
"Uh..." He saw the glare Qui-Gon was giving him. "I said I can't wait to try this." He forced a smile...which looked very pained.   
"All right are you?"   
"For now," Obi-Wan said under his breath.   
"You are tempting me," his master whispered.   
"Join us for the meal will my love." Yoda turned and watched as Yaddle walked over to him. The two trolls embraced and exchanged an impassioned kiss.   
"EWWW!!! Master do I have to watch this! It's bad enough to eat his mush. If I get sick before I eat..."   
The tall man whirled around suddenly. His blue eyes were aflame. "If you whine out one more complaint or disrespectful comment...you'll..." His mind was racing for a good punishment. "You'll be Yaddle's personal attendant and errand boy for the next ten days!"   
"Master! You wouldn't! You're kidding...aren't you?" The Jedi master just stared. Obi-Wan swallowed hard. "Yes Master. Do you have some extra socks I can stuff in my mouth? Just kidding! Just kidding!" Then he whispered, "Note to myself...shut up!"   
-------------   
Throughout the rest of the meal, Obi-Wan was silent. The gross display of affection going on between the two trolls was making his stomach roll. He was doing everything in his power to keep it's contents just where they were. Eventually his stomach won out. "Master...I need to be excused. Please. I am going to be sick."   
"Do NOT get sick in here. Go! NOW!"   
Obi-Wan was out of the hut in a matter of seconds. Just as he crossed the threshold of the door, the green chunks flew. He knelt there panting for several minutes. *That....I....oh that was bad. Very bad image in my head.* He flinched when he felt a hand on his shoulder. Assuming it was Master Qui-Gon, he didn't look up. "I'm fine master, I just couldn't watch that grotesque scene any longer."   
"Boo!"   
The boy looked up, and saw Mr. Poof standing behind him. Then he freaked. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! MASTERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR?!!!!! NO!! Get away from me....no..." Without warning, Obi-Wan stood up and sprinted away.   
Qui-Gon heard the yelling and ran out to investigate. "What? Obi-Wan?"   
Mr. Poof approached the Master Jedi. "He ran that way," he said as he pointed towards the dense forest.   
*That wavering head...I should have let Obi-Wan whack it off.* "Why did he run?"   
"I do not know. A strange boy he is." Poof's eyes rolled.   
"Okay, yes. Will you please tell Yoda that I will be back shortly. I must find my apprentice." *Weirdo.*   
Qui-Gon headed into the forest as Poof crouched down and entered the troll's dwelling.   
----------------   
*I still think he's mocking me.* "Obi-Wan! Obi-Wan! Where are you!" There was no response as Qui-Gon picked his way through the muck. The boy could not have gone far, even running in this. "OBI-WAN! It's me Qui-Gon!"   
He heard a very quiet voice. "Are you alone?"   
"Of course I am. Where are you?"   
"Here."   
The knight looked around and saw his apprentice peeking out from behind a large gnarled tree. "Are you all right?"   
"That depends. Is Poof around?"   
"No. He's back at the troll's house...I mean Master Yoda's house." Qui-Gon walked closer. "He is...different."   
"He's spooky! The way his head drifts in the breeze. Are you sure he has a brain? He seems like he just sits there and mocks everyone."   
"Come on. We have to get back. We'll talk about this later. Just...stick with me. I won't let him bother you anymore."   
"This is an interesting tree. Lots of character...but...I sense something about it."   
"Full of evil it is. Of the dark side. In you must go."   
"Master?" Obi-Wan started backing away from Qui-Gon. "Are you all right?"   
"Of course I am. Why do you ask?"   
"You are acting strange...like a character in a movie or something...and talking funny."   
"Don't be ridiculous. Now...let's get back."   
"What's going to happen now?"   
"Yoda and Yaddle are going to tell us how they met."   
"Ewwwww!! They aren't going to...cuddle and kiss again, are they?"   
"Obi-Wan, I do not have time for this! You are showing disrespect for Master Yoda's customs. Now come!"   
"OK...but I'm just going to be sick again."   
-------------------   
When they returned to the rest of the group, Yoda and Yaddle were sitting arm in arm on a small rock outside the hut. The story had begun.   
"Sit here Obi-Wan. You'll be okay, just don't look directly at them. Fine you will be."   
"Stop talking like that. You sound like...Yoda."   
"Shhh...I do not. Now listen."   
The backwards story went on. Every so often, Yaddle would giggle at one of her mate's attempted jokes. Obi-Wan, in order to keep from getting sick again, had diverted his attention elsewhere. *How does that skinny neck hold that balloon head. It looks like a tae in da win. Huh? What did I just say? Maybe I just need sleep.*   
Qui-Gon poked the youngster in the ribs. "Stay awake. Did you hear what he said? The wedding will be tomorrow. Yoda wants me to be the best man. You will stand with me."   
The panicky padawan tried to get out of it. "Master no, please. I will just laugh or get sick. I can't do this. What if Poof is there?"   
"This will be a good lesson in control for you." The master was interrupted by applause. The group was cheering for the end of the story and the repulsive French Troll kiss that followed. One look at the scene, and Obi-Wan's eyes rolled back in his head. He was out cold. *I suppose this is for the best, because tomorrow is going to be interesting.*   
------------------   
When Obi-Wan opened his eyes, Qui-Gon was kneeling next to him. "Are you all right Padawan?"   
He groaned as he sat up. "That depends. Is the...ewww...kissing over?"   
"Keep your voice down. Yes it is."   
"Master if your force me to stand with you at the wedding...the same thing will happen."   
"No it won't, because you are going to learn to control yourself before then."   
The next day Obi-Wan took an extra long time getting ready for the wedding. He thought that if he was late, they would not interrupt the service for him to come and take his place. He could sit in the back...and hide...and sneak out.   
"Obi-Wan. Are you almost ready? I have to get there early...and so do you."   
"Er...sure...yes Master. I'm almost ready. Why don't you go on and I'll be right there. I just have to...retie my braid. That's all. Won't take a minute."   
Qui-Gon glared at his apprentice. "I'm putting my trust in you and I KNOW you won't let me down, will you?"   
"Master have I ever let you down before?" The tall man just stared at him. "Right...well...this time will be different."   
"It had better be." He turned and hurried out.   
"It will be different because I'm going to let you down worse. I'd rather take punishment though than see another...yuck! Troll kiss." He had to stop thinking about it because his stomach began churning.   
Obi-Wan sat down and toyed with his robe. He did feel badly for what he was doing to Qui-Gon...but those trolls! He couldn't take that. He wondered how badly Master Qui-Gon would punish him for this. After going back and forth in his feelings he looked at his chrono. He really was late! Obi-Wan stood and began running to the spot under the huge tree where the ceremony would take place.   
He stopped in his tracks. Everyone was gathered. The padawan thought the ceremony had began so he sat at the back. He was aware of a strange sensation and looked to his right. There he was! Mr. balLOON head! "AHHHHHHHHHH!" He jumped up.   
Qui-Gon hurried back. "There you are. Late I knew you would be. So waited for you we did. Come with me you will."   
"Only if you quit talking like that!"   
"What is wrong with you? I'm not talking any differently. Come on."   
Obi-Wan glanced back one last time at Yareal Poof. "Boo!"   
----------------------   
The wedding began. Qui-Gon stood off to the side as the trolls stood before the altar. He forced Obi-Wan to stand directly in front of him, and placed his hands firmly on his shoulders. He lowered his head and whispered to his apprentice. "Do not even think about pulling what you did yesterday. Remain upright you will."   
"Master, stop. He's invaded your mind. That's why you sound like him."   
"Hush padawan. The are going to recite the vows." Both Jedi turned their attention towards the soon to be wedded pair.   
"This troll I take to be mine. Love her and kiss her I will."   
Yaddle giggled. "Ditto!"   
"Please exchange pink boxers." Each troll put their own specially designed pair of shorts on the other. "I now pronounce you troll and troll. You may kiss the bride."   
Obi-Wan couldn't take it. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! I CAN'T WATCH THIS!!! I AM GONNA HURL!! Don't let them touch each other. NO NO NO NO!!!" As Qui-Gon tried to quiet the boy, Yoda and Yaddle closed lips together and locked themselves in for the longest kiss anyone had ever seen.   
Jinn's padawan was unable to contain his rolling stomach any longer...he'd given them fair warning. He felt the bile rising in his throat. But before he completely lost control...something caught his eye. The hypnotizing image of Mr. Poof standing across the room.   
----------------   
The loving trolls and Poof staring at him were too much for the boy and his vision began to get dark. Obi-Wan lost consciousness but Qui-Gon held him upright anyway so the ceremony could continue.   
The happy couple trotted down the aisle while the spectators threw swamp mud clods at them. *Too bad* Qui-Gon thought. *Obi-Wan would have loved that tradition.*   
"Do you need some help with your apprentice?"   
The master turned to see Councilor Poof standing there, head swaying back and forth...like waves on the ocean. Qui-Gon's stomach began to churn as if from motion sickness. He quickly looked away. "No weirdo...I mean, no thank you. He just...was too happy over the occasion. I can take care of him, thank you."   
~*~   
Obi-Wan opened his eyes and groaned. He felt so sick.   
"Are you all right?" Qui-Gon asked in concern.   
"I think so." The boy sat up slowly and looked around. "We're on the transport?"   
"Yes. The wedding is over so we are going back to Coruscant."   
"Thank goodness! I don't know if I could have taken much more!" He looked around the ship. "Where are Yoda and Yaddle?"   
"They are going to honeymoon here on Dagobah. We are just lifting. If you look out the window you can see them sitting by the swamp."   
Obi-Wan looked out to see the two trolls dressed in yellow thongs, sitting at the swamp side and locked in a deep tongue battle. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"   
----------------------   
Once more Obi-Wan fell to the floor. The blackness claiming him. Never had anything affected him like this simple wedding had. Qui-Gon was confused, but happy to be leaving the planet. He picked up his apprentice and lay him on the bed, pulling the blanket around his shoulders. A strange presence was felt behind him. Spinning around, the master came face to face with Mr. Poof.   
"What the hell is wrong with you?"   
"Boo!"   
With one swat of his hand, Qui-Gon whacked the alien in the head. The elastic neck rebounded easily and the head began floating again. "Damn! Go away! Stop it!"   
"You fascinate me. You are so tall for a human. You believe yourself to be the best because are so tall."   
"You have been mocking me. You are jealous because I am taller than you." Finally he was beginning to understand all the strange looks.   
As Poof began speaking again, Obi-Wan stirred. He opened his tired eyes and saw the balLOON alien facing off with his master. "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Get away from my master." He jumped out of bed and stood before the older Jedi. "I knew it. He's after you master. I know your kind. Mesmerize us with that floating head of yours...then you go in for the kill. You don't fool me."   
--------------------   
"You are both so wrong. I just want to study you. You are short humans. I have this long neck so I can be taller. I just want you to know I am taller. How's the weather down there?"   
"Um...fine, thank you. If you will excuse us...I have to see to my apprentice."   
"May I watch?"   
"Uh...no...you are the reason he is upset."   
~*~   
"Boy, it's great to be back on Coruscant!" Obi-Wan said as he bounded off the transport. "No more trolls and away from that Poof guy."   
"Obi-Wan," his master said sternly. "He is...different, but he is a councilor."   
"Yes Master. I know. We still have to have that talk about insolence," the padawan said grumpily.   
The pair walked in silence back to their quarters. Finally the boy was quiet...but only because he was so tired. Obi-Wan looked forward to a long engaging talk with his pillow.   
Qui-Gon tapped in the lock code and allowed Obi-Wan to go in first while he retrieved their mail from the locked box next to the door. The padawan dropped his bag and fell onto the sofa. As the elder knight was coming in, he was ripping open an envelope.   
"Anything interesting?" Obi-Wan asked only half interested.   
He drew a holo out of the envelope. "A holo from Dagobah."   
The apprentice stiffened. "The trolls?"   
"Obi-Wan!" Qui-Gon rebuked. He smiled. "It really is a cute picture. So sweet."   
Cute? Sweet? Trolls? Obi-Wan's curiosity got the better of him. He walked over to look. It was an image of Yoda and Yaddle under the big tree, in their thongs, kissing. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" Obi-Wan screamed just before he hit the floor.   
END   
  



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